Drinking Tip #3945: The Homing Pigeon

by Steven Mike Voser

drunk feat

Friday night was rough, mainly because we kicked it off with a bottle of tequila. No one ever really kicks off a night with a bottle of tequila unless they’re willing to end up tucked away by the curb, painting the street with any remaining bits of food left in their system while reciting the Rosary, begging life to give them a break.

But we did it anyway, and I am still regretting it a whole three days later. The night quickly (and quite blurrily) developed, until I “hit the wall.” This is that moment where, no matter how drunk you are, you are faced with a choice; either listen to your body that is begging you to get in a cab and go home, or continue on, knowing perfectly well that you’ll either a) vomit all over your friends; b) fall asleep the next time you place your ass on a flat surface; or c) disintigrate into tiny specks of dust, never to be seen again.

I made my choice and went home, using my all-time favorite save-myself-from-getting-into-the-kind-of-situation-that-I’ll-never-really-remember-but-always-fully-regret technique; The Homing Pigeon. As a service to my fellow alcoholics, I am going to share this technique with all of you to help you save yourselves the next time you decide to kick the night off with tequila. Here it is:

1. Know your address:

Obvious, I know, but SUPER important. Make sure you know your address so well that you could recite it backwards while in an elevator with a pogo stick rammed up your… Just, memorize it, ok?

2. Listen to what your body is telling you:

drunk girl

You know that rumbling in your gut? That feeling where you think your eyelids have cement bags tied to them? Notice that your not actually speaking to that cute girl with the hair and the dress, rather just covering here in tidal waves of spit as you try your best to produce the sound of a vowel? Those are all signs that you’ve had enough, and it is important that you learn those.

It’s also important that you realise that those signs are different for everyone. Just because your friends seem to be able to last hours regardless of the fact that they’ve lost their motor skills and have become illiterate, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can too. Learn to understand what you’re body is telling you, and call it a night when you know you’ve reached your limits.

3. Leave:


Forget your manners, and don’t bother saying goodbye to anyone. Time is your biggest commodity here, so just find your nearest exit, and get the f**k out of there. If your friends are true friends, they won’t care; they’ll understand exactly how you feel, and forget about you in a matter of seconds until tomorrow morning. But, if they are the kind to stress, then tap the nearest one on the shoulder, let them know you’re leaving, and count on them to alert the rest of your crew.

4. Get a cab:

drunk taxi

You’re f***ed, so cut the bullshit; you’re not gonna take the bus, and you’re not gonna walk home either. Find the nearest cab and collapse into it. Try to be as friendly as possible, and tell the driver your address (the one you memorized, remember?). Don’t even think about driving.

5. Check your phone:

texting drunk

I cannot stress this one enough. Make sure you check your phone either in the cab, or before you collapse in your bed. When you’re so wasted that you can’t distinguish the floor from the sky and you just magically disappear, people get worried about you.

So, use the time you’ve got in the cab to let them know you’re on your way home, and that you’re safe. If you don’t, you’ll have a lot more than just a hangover to worry about tomorrow morning, especially if you’re in a relationship.

6. Make the home run:

drunk at home

Pay the cab driver, get out, and make your way towards the door. Beware of any obstacles; if you live in an apartment building, you’re gonna have to unlock the front door, and either take the elevator or the stairs (again, don’t bullshit yourself; always take the elevator if you have one). If you live in a house, you might have a front gate or fence to tackle, and a front garden to navigate through. I am really counting on you guys here.

Once you’re inside, locate your bed if you can, but don’t get too caught up in that fantasy; any soft surface will do. try to take your shoes off before you dive in, and get ready to hate yourself tomorrow morning. Nighty night!

About the author

Steven Mike Voser

I write stuff. You read it. That's pretty much it.

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